Boundaries vs Requests: Why Your “Boundary” Might Not Actually Be One
If you’ve ever set what you thought was a clear, firm boundary with your mother and watched it get ignored, argued with, dismissed, or somehow turned back around on you, you aren’t alone and it’s not because you explained it wrong. It is not unusual for adult daughters of emotionally immature or narcissistic mothers to learn to soften their boundaries to prevent the backlash and to avoid the feeling of guilt. Often the boundary becomes so soft it’s difficult to see, and often it isn’t a boundary at all, but rather a request.
Understanding the difference between these two concepts is one of the most useful shifts you can make when you’re dealing with an emotionally immature or narcissistic mother. It shifts you out of the illusion of control (over her behavior), and into where you have actual control (over your own behavior).
What a Request Actually Is
A request requires someone else’s cooperation or participation to work.
“Can you call before you stop by?”
“Can you not comment on my weight?”
“Can we not talk about my divorce at Thanksgiving?”
In each of these examples, you are asking the other person to change their behavior. With a request, the other person can say no. They can agree and then do it anyway. They can agree in the moment and then forget the next week. There are a number of ways in which the request can be dismissed or ignored, some more innocuous than others. With an emotionally immature parent, this is exactly what happens. The request gets heard and then gets ignored, because there is no consequence tied to it.
What a Boundary Actually Is
A boundary isn’t about the other person at all, and doesn’t require the other person to agree or participate. A boundary is entirely about you. It’s a decision about what you will do to protect yourself, regardless of whether she agrees, listens, apologizes, or changes even slightly.
“Can you call before you stop by?” becomes “If you don’t call before you stop by, I will not be available.”
“Can you not comment on my weight?” becomes “If you comment on my weight, I will need to end the call.”
“Can you not bring up my divorce at Thanksgiving” becomes “If you bring up my divorce at Thanksgiving, I will need to remove myself from the conversation or from the celebration.”
When you lay it out, the difference becomes clear. The request hopes for a different outcome from someone else, while the boundary guarantees a different outcome from you.
Why This Distinction Matters So Much
The truth is that in healthy, safe relationships the request is often sufficient. With an emotionally immature or narcissistic individual, the request will never be enough. You’ll get stuck in the hope that something will change, and you will continue to walk away feeling like your boundaries “don’t work” or that the problem is you.
This isn’t a personal failure. For adult daughters of emotionally immature mothers, softening or avoiding boundaries all together was about safety. As a result, it crease a confusion around whether it’s better to keep the peace, to ask nicely and hope for the best, or to learn how to tolerate the discomfort of another person’s reaction knowing that you have more options and resources now than you did when you were a child. Naming what you actually control can feel unfamiliar, and even scary at first, but you get to start deciding what you will do if she is not able to keep you safe.
You can’t control what she does, you can only control what you do next. That is the real difference between hoping that she will change and protecting your peace.
Turning This Into Practice: The Boundary Blueprint Series
Understanding the concept is one thing, and applying it in the moment is another. That is where so many of us can get stuck. We know the theory, and then the moment (the holiday, the insensitive comment, the vacation) happens, and everything goes out the window. That is exactly why we here at Have You Called Your Mother?! have created the Boundary Blueprint Series.
Each Blueprint is a targeted 10-15 page worksheet built around one specific predictable stressor. Instead of generalized advice, these Blueprints walk you through:
What is actually stressful about this specific situation.
The resources and support you already have available.
The boundaries you want to hold going into it.
What you’ll do differently this time.
A reflection space for afterward, so you can learn what worked and refine your approach for next time.
It’s not about scripting the perfect comeback or finding the magic words that will finally make her understand. It’s about walking into a hard situation with an actual plan, a plan that doesn’t depend on her cooperating at all.
Right now, the entire membership is free, including every Boundary Blueprint. This won’t be the case for forever, so if this is something you’ve been meaning to explore, now is the time to join and lock in your access before it becomes a paid membership!
Because the next time you feel that dread creeping in before a visit or a call, you deserve to walk in with a plan, not to just brace for impact.